How Do I Set Biblical Boundaries with Difficult People?

As I consider boundaries in light of God’s word, it seems as if God’s standard for relationships starts with learning to love like He loves us. But how do we love if we don’t like, and how do we love if we have legit and even biblical reasons to limit or even outright deny someone personal time and interactions? Where do we start if we need to establish biblical limits without building walls?

Regardless of the nature of the difficulty or its impact on the relationship, we start with the last words of 1 Peter 3:8, “be tenderhearted, be courteous.” To have a tender heart toward someone, including a DTLP, is to be “well compassioned [as in] sympathetic:—pitiful, tender-hearted” (Strong’s G2155).

The repetition of the words compassion and sympathetic in this definition reinforces God’s requirement that we remember our in-it-withness with every human on earth—that our own desperate need for Jesus disqualifies us from being the judge of someone else’s desperate need. Even if they hurt, offend, manipulate, or make the relationship hard. Even if they want to force their ideas, expectations, entitlement, and conformity on us. Even if they demand their own comfort, coddling, unconditional access, or absence of standards.

Even if…whatever. Fill in the blank.

No matter what, God would have His followers start with kindness. He says to be courteous, not just in our interactions, but in our thoughts. That’s harder, isn’t it? I can force a kind facade for a short time, but kindness in my thoughts? That takes obedience to a whole new level. The thing is, if I learn to be kind in my thoughts—“friendly of mind” (Strong’s G5391)—kind actions will become a more natural outflow.

But even if our hearts and thoughts don’t change right away, we are to show kindness—the kindness we want. The kindness we’ve received. God’s kindness to us (review Romans 2:4). We owe kindness to others, and we owe God that debt of love we learned about in Romans 13:8 in our last post (see When People Are Hard to Love). However, to owe kindness and love does not mean we owe others whatever they dish out or demand.

This is where we may need to have compassion with standards.

God has limits, and we can too.

A relationship without rules leads to rejection. But, a relationship with rules leads to respect…God feels genuine compassion for each of us, but to have a loving relationship with Him—we must obey and follow His standards. Standards are designed to protect and preserve the life of the relationship we have with Him. (Day 11 I Will Stand Strong YouVersion’s Bible reading plan).

If it is so with God, would this same statement apply in our relationships with DTLP? This same day’s devotion went on to say:

Standards are designed to protect and preserve the life of the relationship we have with [them]…So, if you really want to love someone, then honor them by building a relationship with them that has both compassion and standards.

Boundaries are actually good for all parties in a relationship.

Think about it. What happens with you fail to set a needed boundary? For me, when I ignore the need for a boundary, I often become bitter, irritable and snarky, aloof, disconnected, unavailable, resentful, and eventually mean. My lack of a boundary leads me to sin against God and the other person.

It doesn’t matter how great the violation, another’s inability to respect boundaries never excuses my sin when I fail to have standards and then act hurtfully because the person oversteps.

As followers of Christ, the goal of a biblical boundary is to protect the relationship so it can be as healthy as possible. God’s desire in relationship is ALWAYS reconciliation—through Christ, He reconciles us to Himself, and in Christ, He reconciles us to each other.

2 Corinthians 5:16-20 says:

From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.

That word reconciliation in the original Greek means restoration.

As ambassadors for Christ, we are to implore others to be reconciled to God. Because the end goal is restoration, not punishment or control, our boundaries are going to look different than the world’s.

Let me be clear, though. Even as our goal with boundaries is reconciliation, we ARE NOT asked to subject ourselves to harm or abuse. It is perfectly acceptable to deny a person contact while they still present a danger to you or your family. Yet even in a case like this, bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, vengeance, and punishment only poison our hearts. These responses are not of God or in alignment with His desire for reconciliation. We can establish limits for our protection without tearing down or retaliating against the person who has hurt or continues to hurt us.

Therefore, the very first step for us is to examine our hearts for motive, because if we’re honest, maybe in our hurt and anger, we seek boundaries to control or punish the offender.

Once we assess motive, what’s next?

It would be impossible to anticipate every scenario that might require a boundary, so I want to share a framework for biblical boundaries. I hope and pray this download becomes a helpful tool for reflection, prayer, and seeking God’s direction as you encounter people and scenarios that present the need for compassion with standards.

Before we set a boundary with someone else, it is well worth the time and effort to spend time in self-examination with God. As we do, we can keep in mind the words of James 5:9-12:

Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door. As an example of suffering and patience, brothers, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful. But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your "yes" be yes and your "no" be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.

Let us not grumble against the person we think needs a boundary, because we are the ones who will be judged. Ouch. Even as I finalize this post and prepare to share it with you, I struggle with my heart toward a DTLP (Difficult-to-Love People) in my life, and I’ve done a whole lot of grumbling.

Friend, if you struggle with biblical boundaries, I’m right there with you. Without payback or drama, let us prayerfully seek the Lord’s guidance for the “Yes” and “No” we can give the DTLP in our lives. Then let our “Yes” be yes and our “No” be no.

I hope these posts and this quick-reference Framework for Biblical Boundaries help.