When There's No "What to Expect" for Adult Kids

Being a mom of adult children is not what I expected. My friend Kristen Welch (@wearethatfamily) and I spend a lot of time wrestling (and winging it) through the unpredictable nature of remaining involved yet decreasingly responsible for our kids and their choices.

 There’s no manual. There aren’t defined stages of development like we had when they were infants, toddlers, and school-aged kids. Back then, we had general timeframes for when to expect them to eat solids, sit up on their own, crawl, pull up, walk, talk. In America, there’s a predictable schedule for when they’ll start school, graduate kindergarten, then 6th grade, then high school. If all goes according to the plan, we know the age, year, and even month when it will happen.

 But when they become adults at 18, it’s as if all bets are off. They may or may not go to college. They may or may not become gainfully employed. They may or may not leave the nest for financial independence. They may boomerang! They may or may not seek a close relationship with us. They may or may not believe what we believe or continue in the faith in which they were raised. They may make unexpected decisions that impact us deeply, yet it is their life to live and their journey to walk out.

 So what is this stage of being parents all about? We’re no longer parenting, but at the same time, they never stop needing mom. In my experience, my kids very much still want me in their lives, but more so on their terms. They want my input and help, but not my insertion. They don’t always want my opinions or instruction, but I’m a sounding board, a soft place to land, an understanding ear, an affirming encourager. What I know for sure is this: they don’t want a hovering, meddling, controlling mother.

 In reflection, that’s all good and great. But in reality, it can be hard to remember and hard to make the shift. Motherhood in their adult years is a time of constant transition and quite a bit of tension for us and them. That’s why Kristen and I started Mothers in Transition (find us at https://www.facebook.com/groups/momsintransition). In walking this together, we don’t have the answers, but we have each other’s backs. We ask hard questions. We hold up hard truth. We pray. A lot. We cry together over coffee. We talk out emotions over toes. We rant in the safety of each other’s empathetic compassion. And we celebrate the ways we see God working in us and in our children.

 Friend, He is always working.

 After our first audio live on Facebook, I was reading in Acts 20:27-32, and I feel like this passage captures what I want to do as a mom of adults. It says:

27 for I did not shrink from declaring to you the whole counsel of God. 28 Pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the flock, in which, the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to care for the church of God, which he obtained with his own blood. 29 I know that after my departure fierce wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock; 30 and from among your own selves will arise men speaking twisted things, to draw away the disciples after them. 31 Therefore be alert, remembering that for three years I did not cease night or day to admonish every one with tears. 32 And now I commend you to God and to the word of his grace, which is able to build you up and to give you the inheritance among all those who are sanctified.

 I want to resist shrinking back from declaring the whole counsel of God to my kids (verse 27), not shoving it down their throats or imposing it on them, but as conversations invite His truth, I want to declare it to them. The reason this resonates with me is because God recently revealed how often I shrink back from standing firm in His truth in order to keep peace in my relationships with my kids. For me, it takes a lot of prayer to discern when God is restraining my words or when I am, but this is #goals for me.

 I want to pay careful attention to myself and my flock (verse 28). I don’t change their diapers, manage their days, oversee their details, or cook their daily meals any more, but they still need to me to care about them and what’s happening in their lives—highs and lows. They need me to care for myself—my relationship with God, my soul, my heart, my marriage, my body, and my health. They need to encounter a welcoming heart that’s free of insecurity, idols, pride, and pettiness. They need me to find my peace, joy, satisfaction, and purpose in Christ and be filled with His fullness so I don’t look to them for something they can’t give me. They need my compassion even if I won’t rescue them. They need my hospitality, as Kristen says a lot, even when I don’t agree with them. They need my availability, even as I have my own life to live. When my youngest is away at college, I have an empty nest but a full life. I think this is good for me and for them. But when they need me, I see what a big deal it is if I’m accessible in those moments, so I want to care for myself with margin so there is available space for them.

 I am no longer by their side throughout their days, but I want to be alert, praying for them at all times, especially against wolves. The enemy relentlessly schemes against us and our kids. We don’t need an invitation or their permission to pray against preying wolves who seek to draw our children away from God with their twisted messages and influences (verses 29-31).

Above all—and this is the doozy or the one where it’s rubber-meets-the-road—I want to commend my children to the Lord and the word of His grace (verse 32). When Paul says he commends them to God, he means he is depositing them with Him for their protection. He commits them to God to keep them. Mama, this is what we do as moms of adults. We take our children and deposit them with God for their protection. We can’t protect them anymore—not from others, harsh circumstances, suffering, hardship, failure, disappointment, or even themselves. God is their protection. We commit them to God to keep them, because only He can, no matter where they are or what they are doing. HE ALONE is able to be everywhere they are and exert His holy influence on their souls to turn their hearts to Jesus. HE ALONE can build them up and give them an inheritance among those who are being sanctified.

 For me, this lands my relationship with God squarely on my shoulders and their relationship with Him squarely on His. Am I in His word daily, learning and understanding the whole counsel of what it says? Am I dealing with sin and hindrances in my life? Am I filled with His Spirit and by His power boldly declaring the word of His grace? Do God and the word of His grace have priority in my life? Am I caring for my heart, soul, body, and health so I can be there to care for them when they come to me?

 I have not discovered a formula or handbook for navigating motherhood’s unpredictable transitions, but I am finding that the key for me is to draw nearer to God and entrust myself and my children more and more to the One whose grace is sufficient for it all.

These are the conversations Kristen and I want to have with you. We want to learn from you and with you. We want to share experience and cheer you on. We want to come alongside you and have your back in prayer. And we want you to find love and support in a community of women navigating these unpredictable transitions just like you.

Will you join us?